Growing Around Grief: The Long-Term Process of Healing

Grief is a universal yet personal experience. Traditional views often frame grief as something to move past, but for many, grief never truly disappears. Instead, healing lies in growing around grief—a compassionate approach that encourages people to create space for joy, love, and purpose alongside their loss.

What Does It Mean to Grow Around Grief?

Dr. Tonkin's Model of Grief popularized the term growing around grief. Rather than imagining grief shrinking over time, this model suggests that grief remains the same, but the person's life expands around it. Similar to a tree growing through a fence, people adapt, and life becomes bigger and fuller as grief remains a part of them. 

This approach is validating for those who feel stuck in sorrow for long periods after loss. It acknowledges that grief does not fade away. Instead, grief is carried forward, integrating into a new version of one's identity.

The Myth of "Moving On" or "Getting Over It"

Society often imposes a timeline on grief. People may hear comments like "It's been a year, shouldn't you be moving on?" or "You need closure." These messages are unrealistic and can make someone feel ashamed for struggling.

Grief is not a linear process. It is an emotional terrain that shifts and transforms over time. "Moving on" suggests leaving the pain behind. Growing around grief honours the emotional significance of the loss. The key is not to erase it but to expand life around it.

What Growing Around Grief Looks Like Over Time

Grief can change significantly over time and often varies from person to person. However, here is what growing around grief can look like as time passes. 

The Early Days

In the immediate aftermath of loss, life can feel like a blur. Eating, sleeping, and functioning become difficult. At this stage, grief takes up almost all the available space. It can feel like nothing else exists.

Gradual Re-engagement with Life

As time passes, people may begin to experience fleeting moments of peace, connection, or joy. These moments don't negate the pain; they coexist with it. It might involve returning to a hobby, forming new relationships, or taking small steps toward self-care. This is where the process of growing around grief often begins.

Establishing a New Normal

At this stage, individuals begin to integrate their grief into their daily lives. They may find rituals, remembrance practices, or new perspectives that help them stay connected to what they have lost while continuing to move forward.

Expansion and Transformation

Eventually, life expands in new directions. New relationships, goals, and experiences emerge. People often discover a deeper sense of empathy, resilience, or purpose. The grief doesn't go away, but the person grows bigger around it.

Ways to Support Growth Around Grief 

While grief may never entirely disappear, there are meaningful ways to nurture healing and expansion alongside it. Here are some strategies to support the journey of growing around grief: 

Make Space for Grief in Daily Life

Growing around grief starts with acknowledging it. This may mean setting aside time for journaling, creating a memory box, lighting a candle, or acknowledging personal feelings. These rituals help grief remain in your emotional landscape rather than banishing it into the shadows.

Invite Others Into Your Grief

Individuals tend to isolate themselves in grief, fearing they will burden others. However, connection can be a powerful tool for healing. Sharing stories, attending support groups, or speaking to a therapist are ways to let others witness the grief experience so it is not carried alone. 

For individuals trying to support someone through grief, remember that growing around grief is a process. Avoid cliches or rushing their healing. Offer presence, patience, and permission for them to feel whatever arises. 

Reclaim Meaning Through Growth

Many people report that loss shifts their values and priorities. Growing around grief often involves turning toward purpose—volunteering, creating, or advocating in a way that reflects and honours the who or what has been lost.

Let Go of Grief Timelines

Healing doesn't operate on a schedule. A person may feel fine for months and then find themselves overwhelmed by a memory. That doesn't mean they have "gone backward"—it means they are human. Growing around grief means embracing its rhythms, not resisting them.

Allow Space for Joy and Pain

A key part of growing around grief is learning to allow space for joy without guilt. It is possible to laugh, fall in love again, or find meaning in life while still holding sadness. Many people find that their capacity for joy deepens after experiencing significant loss.

The Role of Therapy in Grieving

Therapy can be a vital part of this long-term healing journey. A therapist provides a safe space to express grief without judgment, explore the meaning of the loss, and process emotions that may feel too heavy to carry alone. This can help individuals process not just the loss but also the identity shifts, relationship dynamics, and emotional turbulence that often accompany it.

Therapy can be particularly beneficial for children as they experience grief differently than adults. Their understanding evolves with age, and they may "re-grieve" losses at different developmental stages. Encouraging open conversations, modelling emotional honesty, and validating their feelings in therapy and at home are vital to helping them grow around grief.

Embracing a New Narrative 

Growing around grief is not about erasing pain but expanding one's life to carry it more gently. It is a practice of self-compassion, patience, and resilience that acknowledges the permanence of loss and the impermanence of suffering. 

Some days, grief may feel like a whisper; other days, a deep ache. Both are okay. Healing isn't about the absence of pain. It is about making room for all that you feel while creating a life that is rich, meaningful, and still connected to what you have lost.

Grow Around Grief with Our Therapist Collective

At OntarioTherapists.com, we offer a safe space for individuals navigating the long-term healing process of grief. Our team understands that healing is not about "getting over it" but about finding ways to expand life while honouring the pain of loss.

Our psychotherapists have diverse expertise to cater to each client's unique needs. Whether you're in the early days of loss or learning to carry grief alongside daily life, we are here to walk with you as you heal at your own pace.

Book a free half-hour consultation via video call or phone to learn more. Call us at 647-296-9235 or click here to book your appointment.